Turning 24...

The lockdown came with a surprise, dropping economy and lack of job opportunities and illness. I was in the same pool as fellow newly bud architect friends. Either quitting jobs or tired of them or still looking for one. If that weren't enough, it also brought a huge change. 

Now in the 1 BHK house; where it seems Dad only came home for evening news and a good night's sleep; his presence became unavoidable. Suddenly the space in our 1 BHK fell short, accommodating two of dad's P.C. for WFH(work from home) in the living room, and welcoming his assistant everyday. His tiny office space pushed Maa and us siblings in the confines of our kitchen and bedroom. Privacy was always an issue. Indian parents have their own ways of intervening in your life whether you have your own room or not. I have found my ways around it, however how much stays private (let's not think on it). 

I suppose the lockdown turned us all into chef's, if that's not an overstatement. There was nothing new in this area for me. Apart from teaching me how to buy fruits and veggies, Maa never forced me to learn any household chore. She was patient enough for me to realize my sense of sharing responsibility in the household. The responsibility that I had to bear, suddenly, with her fractured coccyx. It was irritating. I was pulled out from my lazing around the house, privileged-ness. There is nothing much to say, but only, what Maa does surely is priceless. However, in due month's time, I was bored. I knew how to pick good veggies, store grains, cook food and keep the house clean. My mind would wonder about strange scenarios and formulate new opinions about the world while working at home. Yes, I say working at home and no, it does not imply a financial gain (a monthly salary). No one pays home makers (home-maker, rather than house wife/husband). The question arises, how should we be paying home makers? It gets tricky here. I cannot pay Maa money for what she does for our family, that sounds ridiculous. I do not have a universal answer for it. For long, we have been conditioned to believe, that the man is the money-maker and woman is the home-maker and child bearer. A stone age man would hunt to provide food and shelter and a stone age woman would protect her children and run the house. Ironically it seems, we still live in the stone age. Gender roles have been more evident to me, during this lockdown. Plainly put, a woman's role in the house is not seen as superior as "earning money", the man's role. It might not be the truth for many families but for most it is. From doing the household chores (which is A LOT), to solely raising her children, to taking care of family functions and her in-laws. Some women are lucky to have help, others do it with little or no support. The point being, not to discriminate the efforts of men but to bring women in limelight. On the bright side, it gives me pleasure to say that my generation is different than my parents, in many ways. Especially the way we are able to break gender stereotypes. In all our get-togethers, it has been my men friends who have cooked food, rinsed utensils, swept the floor, while we women were their sidekicks. On occasions I was happy to hear, "She can buy a car, while I provide a roof". The significance of the sentence being, the responsibility of the household is no longer divided into gender roles. Both are equally responsible. This might sound no news to some, but if you observe carefully, we just like to call ourselves 'progressive', in reality, we are truly not. We like to keep our biases rather than moving on with time. This takes me to my new realization - How rigid I am becoming as I grow old. Someone said, always be a kid at heart. But what does this mean? A child accepts everyone without any bias, preconceived notion, thus there is space for acceptance. To accept without judgment, to forgive without grudges. Along with naivety and stupidity, well, which can be corrected with experience. 

There are several behaviors that agitate me, am I brave enough to take a stand? Is the receiver egotistic enough to not understand? Many questions arise in my mind, reflecting on the stark difference of both Maa and Dad's association with their children. Family equations become clear as we grow up and the illusion of a happy family starts to fade. Similarly with friendships, we tend to tighten our circles (even though we tell ourselves otherwise). By this time, we have lost friends, broken hearts, lost loved ones and tried to heal from personal troubles. It is by default, if we try to protect ourselves from further harm. The goal is to reach a peaceful point - where if someone says, "Oranges and apples grow on the same tree" - I can nod a YES! at the stupidity. However the goal seems far far away. For the longest time I did not know how to enter the political debate. How to remember so much information? Which is the correct source? What is happening in the world? What is it to be politically aware? Fortunately, you can begin anywhere, a start is a must. I suppose, this is what we call 'Adulting', to sound like a 60 year old woman in a 24 year old body. My professor rightly said, "You will come out of your egg, once you graduate". It surely is so. The world is a different picture now. If only family and an unemployed adult weren't enough reasons to be stressed (and become bald), the pandemic surely did no good. To see it in an optimistic light, there was space for self development through retrospection and acceptance. Acceptance of a new change. 

I spent a whole month watching K- Drama, Korean T.V. series. There it is, I said it! I had seen plenty Instagram stories of women showering their love for Korean actors and K-Pop artists and boy bands. What was all this about? It only took binge watching 11-12 K-Dramas to find out *laughs sarcastically*. I would take a step and offend many K-Drama lovers by saying, that K-dramas are as bad as Indian Saas-Bahu T.V. serials. A select few K-Dramas were worth watching, while all Saas-Bahu serials are loads of crap! K-Dramas storylines are repetitive. It might sound boring, but these dramas sink you in, in their portrayal of an idealist world - handsome, rich male v/s poor, needy female protagonists. The ideal, the utopian world, a happy ending, that we all secretly crave. It did not take much to quit watching K-Dramas but just my coming back to reality. Instead, it is better to spend time supporting K-Pop bands such as BTS, for of course their music, which I enjoy and messages of self love and discussions on mental health issues. It is incredible - that I can enjoy music in a foreign language - it means music has immense power to bring us together. Hence, fighting over nuclear weapons, who will rule whom, other man made controversy seem petty!

Looking back, a month lost watching K-Dramas was a miniscule part of the lockdown. I got back to watching Anime, my new found love for Studio Ghibli films, especially Miyazaki's strong female leads! Some unusual movies, unusual because they were genres I had never taken interest in. To list a few - Departures(Okuribito), Tokyo Story, Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love; war films - Paths of Glory, Darkest Hour, The Pianist, Life is Beautiful; Mira Nair's - A Suitable Boy(series), Monsoon Wedding and being pressured into watching crime films, by my younger brother. Finally watching Lord of the Rings and realizing all other fiction that I have ever loved is but just an inspiration from LOTR! Re-reading Harry Potters books, getting back to reading after a long long time. Getting back to learning Japanese and promising myself to practice daily and going back to procrastinating, again. Mastering the art of book making - all the years in architecture school I have hand made books using different techniques - the products of lockdown were perfection.

What awaits is the last month of the year, turning 24 and impatiently worrying about entering late 20's in a year's time. It also includes meaningless comparison between (famous)adults my age and myself. Being troubled between choosing to be a capitalist or socialist, making money, finding love and the universal question -Who am I? Adulting is all this, the anxiousness around the nitty gritty of life, pointless discussions with self and chances that we either miss or catch.